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Saving Time and Dating Online

Relax..Finding Love Online is Possible

Modern society seems like such a rush, all the time. Unless you’re retired (and who retires anymore?) you’re probably dashing around all day, every day, following a schedule or at least marking off items on a to-do list that never seems to get any shorter. Our days are hectic, our nights are precious, and our weekends fully booked far in advance. And that’s if you’re married! For singles, we have to make time for dates, too. It can feel stressful, scary and like a real time-suck. But thanks to online dating, your romantic life could be as efficient as a well-oiled machine. And a lot more fun, unless that machine happens to be a Ferrari.

Frankly, I don’t know how many people would date at all if it weren’t for the internet… Some work 50 hours a week, play a sport, try to get to the gym and have children from a previous relationship.  Once you’ve managed all that you have very little time to find love… And dating, by definition, is hit or miss. It’s a numbers game where you have to take a lot of shots in the dark to get a hit.

With online dating, you maximize your time and your odds.  First off, your profile should be specific about your favourite dating activities, your relationship dealbreakers, your turn-ons and turn-offs, and your sense of humor.  That makes it  pretty clear who you are and what your looking for.  Most people who aren’t your type usually pass on you at the profile stage.  This is a GOOD thing and saves you time right there.  Just remember do NOT have any negatives and ensure your profile is always upbeat and positive.

When you are looking at profiles, use advanced search parameters to refine your search as specifically as possible.  Take the time to reference at least a couple of things in the person’s profile when you contact them…Ask them questions and engage them in a conversation—believe me, it’s worth it.

If you get to stage two and actually communicate,  it’s because you like each other’s profiles. As you’ve contacted them they definitely fit your requirements for age, race, geography, lifestyle choices and so on.  So, even before you’ve had a single conversation, you know there’s more romantic potential for you with that person than with eight out of ten people on the planet.  Think about that! And all you’ve invested is a membership fee, the time to prepare a good profile, and some engaging emails. That’s it.  On a weekly basis, you would spend more time drinking coffee or watching TV and this is much more important than that!

So, what’s next? An extended IM exchange, a phone call or a bunch of emails. Still, it rarely takes more than half an hour all told. Then you reach the point where you BOTH decide—sometimes right away, sometimes after a little more conversation—that a date is in order.

By the time you get to the first date  you’ve already got a proven chemistry and if everyone’s been honest,  there aren’t any major roadblocks to getting together on a more permanent basis

So, if you are time poor online dating is great way to find love and best of all you can do it in your jammies and have a bad hair day…and they will never know 🙂

NB:  I met my husband online 10 years ago.  We are still going strong and I would NEVER have met him any other way!  Think about that next time you think about finding love 🙂

Is Online Dating Still Cheating If You’re Married?

They have been married for 11 years and a year after their second one was born, Louise had accidentally left her laptop open on her online dating profile.  The website was for married people looking for quick, anonymous sexual meetings.  Michael accidentally bumped her mouse and suddenly his world came crashing down when he realised his loving, ‘faithful’ wife was in contact with men who only wanted a quick and intimate fling.

The thing is:  The sex had always been great between them until after the kids… especially the second one. Michael figured she was tired….after all she worked full time and there were the kids to deal with….he figured this was the reason there was so little time for the intimacy they once shared.  Things between them was still great… perfect if you may;  best friends who enjoyed each other’s company, who made all the decisions together, exchanged “I love you’s on the phone etc – everything was GREAT!….except for the lack of interest in sex on her part.

The two have always shared a great level of trust to the extent that Michael really felt betrayed.  He never in a million years would have suspected his wife to be THAT kind of woman. When he decided to confront her, she didn’t deny it. In fact she admitted that she had been doing it for the past four months but it was something harmless…just a bit of fun – it wasn’t like she would actually sleep with the men she had been having erotic conversations with.  She just wanted to feel sexy and wanted and the object of someone’s affection again.

Michael saw it as a betrayal…of both him and their family.  He still doesn’t know whether to believe her story or not.  She is a good mother, wife and his best friend, she’s promised not to do it again EVER!… but….the trust is lost and Michael is trying very hard to forget the images of his semi-naked wife online telling men her deepest sexual desires.  The thing that hurts Michael most is her lack of interest in sex with him and yet she explains in vivid details what she would do with a stranger… He worries there is something she is looking for in those other men that he can’t fulfill. That quite frankly he’s just not good enough to meet her needs and desires anymore.

Michael is now contemplating leaving her wife but he doesn’t want the kids to be raised in a broken home… and remarrying has been something he has never wanted to do because he thought she was IT!

Do you think this is a deal breaker?  Should he stick it out and try to re-build the trust or just divorce her? Is it all just a fantasy thing for Louise? Besides the broken trust, there is still the issue of their sex life.  Can they really work it out if he was to try?

Oh Yes I’m The Great Overthinker

Stop Thinking!

Women tend to be their own worse enemies when it comes to our self image and our love life.

Many of us feel like we are never thin enough, happy enough, tall enough, pretty enough…..we are never just enough!

During  my day-to-day activities as a Love Coach I come across many women who try to second guess why a man does this or what does he mean when he says that.   Things like “He promised to call me at 8pm and it’s now 9pm and no call!….do you think he’s cheating???!!!   Ok so the last one is a bit extreme but when women ask me these types of questions it always remind me of an old joke which is a great example of how we overthink!

WOMAN’S DIARY

28 July 2012 

 Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.  The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself – he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and,to my surprise we made love, but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep – I think he’s planning to leave me – maybe he’s found someone else. 

MAN’S DIARY:

Saturday 28 July

 Australia lost the cricket. Gutted. Got a root though.       

Even though this is a joke it’s also a really good example of how much some women overthink.  If he doesn’t call when he says he will remember he’s probably got a job or other commitments he can’t abandon and sometimes we can just lose track of the time.  It does not means he’s showing off his willy to someone new….at least not always.

Overthinking is really bad for your health….it increases your stress levels, can lead to lack of sleep, cause obesity (going for chocolate will not stop you thinking)  and generally make you feel bad about yourself.

So, how can you STOP overthinking?  That’s easy!  Stop doing it and do something else….go meditate, read a book and stop looking at the clock and wondering why he hasn’t called.   watch an action movie where things get blown up! (romantic movies will depress you more), call a friend and talk about your day,  go get a little retail therapy but for goodness sake do not hover over the abyss of self pity and insecurity!  It’s a very slippery slope which can often lead to relationship destruction!

So rather than trying to second guess his thoughts…ask him…if he’s still not communicative…check the cricket scores…you never know…Australia might have lost again 🙂

Find Me The Right Guy

Searching for the right guy online can be frustrating

At least twice a day I have a woman who is new to love coaching who’s first sentence to me is “Find Me The Right Guy!!”

I would like you all to know it’s not possible…..why?  Because I am not YOU!

You see we all have our own special type of  “look” we prefer to others….for some it’s the GQ look, for other it’s more preppy and for others still its goatees and shaved heads that rock their boat and isn’t that wonderful!  See life would be pretty boring if we all liked one type of man.

When I ask what the “right” guy is I get a variety of answers but for most women it’s a guy who’s attentive to her…doesn’t screw around or drink too much…who’s got a J.O.B and SINGLE!  There is one way to find the right guy for you and that’s to get out there and find him.

Online there are a variety of sites which range from super huge membership like Match.com to many of the niche sites.   I recommend that the niche sites are the way to go and here’s a few reasons why.   Online dating is like being at a party but instead of a guy spotting you in a crowd of say 50 other women and coming over to talk to you….you are at a party with thousands if not hundreds of thousands.

Online Love

This is where niche sites work best as you are able to connect with other singles of similar interests….sites like ChristianCafe.com or InteracialDatingCentral.com cater to people looking for a specific belief or dating style.  There are also sites for BBW’s and people with Herpes (yes I said Herpes) HIV, Seniors, people with disabilities and Pet Lovers and the list goes on and on.   So by connecting to smaller sites, whilst there is a smaller membership base, the chances of finding people with whom you have things in common are greatly increased…in other words you have more chance of finding the “right guy”

Google is your friend…think about the types of things you would like to do or qualities you would like in a man and google that word and the word dating…you will be surprised at the number of sites around that cater for any interest or moral.

Lastly I don’t recommend the bigger sites…it’s very easy to get lost in the sea of faces and site like E-Harmony where you have to rely on them to knowing your type….based on a questionnaire.  Computer do not get human chemistry and just because you both like the colour red does not  a perfect match make.

So get yourself out there and find the right guy….sure he may be looking for you too but we all know men never stop to ask directions when they are lost 🙂

Why Nice Guys CAN Finish First!

What the Hell IS that!?!

Okay, guys. Do you want a woman’s point of view on netiquette? Do you want to know what we like, what we don’t, and what makes us write a guy off forever? Listen up, and I’ll tell you everything you need to know to grab a girl’s interest and keep it…free!

First off, what not to do. Writing “Got milk?” to a woman with big boobs will NEVER put you in the same room with those boobs. Seriously, with some of you guys I wonder if you’re even trying. Sending pictures of your own anatomy? The only woman—and I mean, the only one—who’s going to like that probably wants your man bits in a jar to decorate her serial killer’s hideout. Be afraid if that works.

Seriously though, all that nasty business is dumb in more ways than one. The definition of sexual assault is gratifying yourself with someone against their wishes. Well, just assume women don’t wish it, until you know otherwise. Then you can send pictures of yourself and a monkey if that’s what y’all are into. But wait for the green light, some of us women can get down and dirty with the best of them but get our permission first!  Otherwise it’s like you’re some creepy child molester or something.

Also, let’s say a woman turns you down. I know, I know—not a great feeling. Don’t blame you for getting your feelings hurt. But why you would you call her a bitch, a slut, or something worse? Doesn’t that kind of prove she was right to give you the brush-off? Haven’t you ever said “no” to anything? When you don’t give every homeless guy money, does that make him right about whatever he mutters about you when you walk by? We all have the right to say yes or no when somebody asks us for something. How about this: you say yes to everyone who asks you for something—like Ricky Gervais in that stupid movie—and then you can call a woman names for not wanting to sleep with you. Until then, let’s all reserve our right to say “thanks, but no thanks.”

And don’t feel bad about it when a woman shows no love. Just because this one’s not interested doesn’t mean you’re not a fine man and some other lady won’t be lucky to have you! You know what you have to offer and don’t forget it.

If you want to put good thoughts in her head, here’s what you want to do. Be a gentleman. Who do you think a woman is more likely to get cozy with, a gentleman, or a dog? We all know you want to get in her pants, and that’s nature—nothing wrong with it—but they call them manners because they’re a way of acting. Your manner better be polite, respectful and flattering if you want nature to take its course. You got to court a woman, baby! Sweet-talk her. Takes some patience to get the honey. Buzz around that hive just as sweet as can be. If she’s not into it, find another hive. It’s the Internet, there’s more honey out there than you could handle in a hundred years.

Read her profile, pick up on what she’s into and talk about it. Make her feel special, like you took extra time to think about her before you emailed. She’ll appreciate that you didn’t send a form letter—or a one liner that hasn’t worked on anyone else. If she likes your picture and thinks you have something in common, you’re one step closer to your goal. If you can make her laugh, you’re golden—but don’t be crass. Flattery will get you far, just don’t talk about her body south of her smile.

Ladies love a confident man, but don’t be pushy. Act like she’s lucky to have caught your interest and if she doesn’t want it, someone else will. Be cool. We love it when a man is mysterious. We actually love it when he’s got other girls on the hook, though it drives us crazy too. It’s like business, demand drives up the value. Don’t seem desperate, even if you are! Those guys who hit girls with all these come-ons just get ignored or even kicked off the site, if they’re too sleazy about it.

As things move on and you’re trading emails or IMs or whatever, be romantic not rude. Show an interest in her life, what she likes to do, where she grew up… Treat her like a person you want to get to know. Someone you might do anything for, one day. We want our men to protect us, cherish us, treat us right. You want to come off as somebody who can do that and do it well.

Flirty’s good, but let her set the pace. If she gets dirty, you get dirty. If she keeps it clean, you do the same. But remember your goal is to get her out on a date, so don’t get too frisky with those IMs and blow it.

Let’s try this: be polite if you want to have fun tonight. Show your lust and all you get is disgust!

Good luck to all you gentlemen who know how to treat a lady!

The First Date….and How To Get A Second One.

Let’s assume you’re on a good date with someone you’d like to see again. (Bailing on a bad date is another article entirely!) If you’ve ever watched gymnastics during the Summer Olympics, you know how important it is to “stick the landing.” A great evening can’t stumble at the end if you’re going to leave the best impression on your date. Cut things short and it seems like you didn’t have fun or didn’t connect. Overstay your welcome and you squander your goodwill. And what about “the kiss?” If you’re too shy to make a move, you can come off as cold. If you slobber all over your date, you seem pushy or desperate.

How do you guide the date to the best possible conclusion? These five simple rules will you see you through!

RULE NUMBER ONE: HAVE A EXIT STRATEGY

Once you know things are going well and you don’t need to fake an appointment or a mild heart attack or have your BFF call to tell you about a sudden emergency, tell your date when you need to get home and why (work the next day, a breakfast meeting, you were dancing till dawn last night—whatever). If it’s a weeknight, it’s often best to wrap things up by 10 p.m. If it’s a weekend, I suggest you set 1 a.m. as the time you vanish or turn into a pumpkin. If possible let them know ahead of time when you need to leave so the end seems preordained, rather than due to a lull in the conversation or some imagined misstep.

That said, if conversation stalls completely, you start to get tired or you catch your date yawning, don’t pass out the Red Bull. Get out while the getting is good and save it for next time. Just like a movie, when the date reaches its climax, its best to resolve the storyline and roll credits. Even a good date can turn into the Bataan Death March if someone flat out runs out of steam. Just because you or your date had an appointment with your personal trainer at 7:30 this morning doesn’t mean your chemistry is off—gracefully exit with enthusiastic suggestions for the next outing.

RULE NUMBER TWO: GAUGE INTEREST AND ACT ACCORDINGLY

As the date’s conclusion draws nigh, consider the clues, cues and signals your date has sent you and plan your affectionate farewell. Did she touch your arm a lot, giggle, blush and bat her eyelashes? Did he seem entranced by your eyes or shower you with compliments? Did you kick around ideas for your next five dates? Did your flirty banter threaten to set the dinner table on fire? If so, put some thought into when and where you’re going to lock lips. It’s on like Donkey Kong.

From personal experience, I can say the car is not ideal. It feels so static to be sitting there not driving or getting out—obviously, we’re supposed to kiss now. Awkward! What’s more, the seat belt, gear stick, drink holder or fuzzy dice might get in your way. Trying to kiss with your neck bent at a weird angle is gonna cramp your smoochy style. On the other hand, the mood lighting of a dim doorstep can be quite romantic, unless you’re under a security lamp spotlight. If you see one coming, make your move on the closest, most secluded sidewalk. It’s actually good to be spontaneous with the goodnight kiss. If you can both practically see the neon sign flashing “This is the point in the evening where we kiss,” you’ve probably waited too long.

RULE NUMBER THREE: DON’T GUSH

There’s no need to recap all the laughs, romantic vistas or moments of bonding that occurred, as if your date needed to be reminded why you should go out again. Don’t say how amazing you think the person is and how this might be the greatest night of your life. Act like this isn’t the only good date you’ve ever been on and no matter what happens, it won’t be the last. Be cool. That’s sexy and self-possessed.

RULE NUMBER FOUR: DON’T BE DISTANT

Here’s the flip-side. You had a great time and you want to see the person again, right? Here’s how you let that show. Did the night have a running joke? See if you can toss out a clever callback to cap off the night with some symmetry. Or reference something said in passing, hours before, to show you were really paying attention. Maintaining eye contact at this point is vital. If we’re post-kiss and you liked it, grab your date’s hands and give them a good squeeze as you step away.

If you’re a girl, say, “Call me tomorrow?” If you’re a guy, say, “Can I call you tomorrow?” I know that sounds a bit controversial after a decades of being told “don’t appear too eager”, but honestly—if you had a good date, why not speak briefly on the phone the next day? It keeps things fresh and maintains the connection made during the date. Absence only makes the heart grow fonder when you have more than a few drinks worth of conversation to remember about the person.

RULE NUMBER FIVE: MIND YOUR MANNERS

My friend Paul has the art of the farewell down to a science. He thanks his date for the pleasure of her company and wishes her a good night and sweet dreams, in those words or something like them. He always walks a woman to her car or her doorstep and makes sure she gets in safely. If a woman might be too intoxicated to drive, he makes sure she either takes a cab or accepts a ride home. He is bold with his good night kiss but brief. If the woman responds, he kisses her again. He never asks to come inside, with or without some pretense, unless invited to do so. Basically, guys, go for Sir Galahad rather than the Lusty Pirate.

Ladies, express your gratitude for dinner, drinks, or whatever he bought you with a “thank-you” and a specific appreciation. “The crabcakes were divine, that wine was exquisite, that’s the best movie I’ve seen this year,” or whatever the case may be. Don’t expect him to be forward with you—he might be so polite that if you want to make out, let alone invite him upstairs for “a nightcap,” you’re going to have to make the invitation clear.

Follow these five simple rules and you’ll find yourself with a fitting finale for your first, fifth or fifteenth date.

5 Things to Do Before Your First Date

Coming off a long relationship or even a marriage? Young enough to be pretty new to the whole dating scene? Here are some tips for successfully navigating the perils of a first date, which at times can seem like a complex mating dance—after all, it kinda is! Happily, a lot of headaches and heartaches are easily avoided.

Ask about Eating Habits in Advance

Finding out your date is a vegan when you already have reservations at a steakhouse is not a fun experience. Feeling like a jerk because you can’t eat anything at the restaurant isn’t fair, either. If dinner could be involved, discuss dietary restrictions, your favorite cuisines and pertinent food-poisoning stories so that the evening’s dining destination is approved by both parties. Guy or girl, make sure you have the conversation.

Sync up Your Style

Make sure you and your date are on the same page about where you’re going and how fancy to dress. It’s embarrassing to both of you when someone goes formal and the other shows up in a T-shirt and jeans. Or someone’s bundled up for a windy night and the other thought you’d be indoors the whole time. Avoid the awkward jokes and guilty feelings by planning ahead.

If You Like What You See, Flirt
First, for the ladies. Most girls know how to make eyes at a guy, but not all—don’t be shy if you want to send the message that things are moving in the right way. There are a million moments that can call for you to reach out and briefly touch his arm—this small connection isn’t a commitment but it creates a sense of physical comfort between you. Also, if you want him to kiss you at the end of the night, there’s no better way invitation than holding his hand at some point. This sends the message that you’re welcoming physical contact.

Guys, the more chivalrous and gentlemanly you are, the more it makes you seem interested in her. Show that you value her by going out of your way with the little things. Compliment her wherever possible. The most flirty compliments are about physical attributes, but keep it classy—if you’re going to allude to her womanly attributes, do so only indirectly.

Put Your Listening Hat on

No, I don’t mean wear a funny hat at the dinner table, but rather that you should ask questions to prompt your date to open up, and focus on what’s said rather than what to say next. Look for follow-up questions and make pertinent comments. The wittier the better, just keep it positive. Guys, most girls don’t want to date a guy who thinks he’s a standup comic, so don’t recite jokes and don’t turn everything into one.

Something for both genders to remember is not to tie everything your date says back to yourself, unless it shows a real commonality, or is something you’re eager to talk about. The bottom line is to make your date really feel heard. Man or woman, old or young, everyone likes that feeling!

Avoid T.M.I. (Too Much Information)

Maybe your acid reflux is acting up or your ex called yesterday and you’re upset about that, but keep in mind that not everything on your personal radar is good fodder for first date conversation. Also, everybody’s made mistakes in their lives, but this is not the time to reveal your drug conviction or tell the story of how you got fired from your job for stealing office supplies. If your most entertaining stories don’t paint you in the best light, save them. Even when we’re really giving our date a chance, it’s human nature to make snap judgments based on the info at hand. While a little vulnerability is attractive and bragging definitely isn’t, keep your filter on for the first date and save the secrets for later.

While I hope you consider these tips a solid lesson or a valuable refresher course, please don’t overthink it. Being natural, authentic and aware is better than obsessing over your behavior or how things are going. It’s not only more attractive an attitude, it will help you be yourself. And being yourself is how you’re going to connect with your soul mate.