The Judgement of Solomon

Some of you may not be aware of the biblical story of King Solomon and how he dealt with a child custody issue.

The Judgement Of Solomon

The story is about two young women who lived in the same house and who both had an infant son. One of the women claimed that the other, after accidentally smothering her own son while sleeping, had exchanged the two children to make it appear that the living child was hers. The other woman denied this and so both women claimed to be the mother of the living son and said that the dead boy belonged to the other.

After some deliberation, King Solomon called for a sword to be brought before him. He declared that there is only one fair solution: the live son must be split in two, each woman receiving half of the child. The liar, in her bitter jealousy, exclaimed, “It shall be neither mine nor yours—divide it!” However, Upon hearing this terrible verdict, the boy’s true mother cried out, “Please, My Lord, give her the live child—do not kill him!” Solomon instantly gave the live baby to the real mother, realising that the true mother’s instincts were to protect her child, while the liar revealed that she did not truly love the child.

In Australia we have heard a lot recently of four young girls who were brought to Australia by their mother from Italy in 2010.   The mother and father were going through a rather acrimonious divorce and in an Italian Family Law Court they were awarded joint custody of the four girls.

The mother had permission to bring the girls to Australia for a one month vacation to see the maternal relatives.  That was the last time the father saw his children until 2012 when the mother petitioned the Family Law Court in Australia to allow her girls to stay in Australia.  The case has dragged on for several months and ended today with horrendous scenes of four beautiful girls being dragged kicking and screaming and begging to stay while their mother wailed and cried and climbed onto the bonnets of  Australian Federal Police vehicles to try and stop their deportation back to Italy.

There are several issues these events raise.   It should be remembered it was the mother who kidnapped the children from Italy (all the girls were born there but hold dual citizenship) and joint custody had been awarded.   It was the maternal great grandmother who hid the girls until the Family Court ordered her to produce them…It was the mother who contacted the Press to tell the girls story and how they wanted to stay here.  It was the mother who rather than booking her own ticket back to Italy decided that pulling the AFP off her traumatised girls would be a better solution.

One the other side of this debate we have a father who has always maintained all he wanted was his girls to be returned to Florence where they can again share joint custody.  He has offered the mother eight thousand dollars to return to Italy with her girls.  He has maintained that, should the mother return to Italy, he will not press any charges against her.

So, who’s right in this matter? Like any mother, this mother fought like a lioness to keep her girls.  But what about the rights of the father?  Would we feel different about this situation if say a father had taken the girls back to Lebanon or Iraq?

One thing to me is very clear…there are only losers in this battle and today it was those four beautiful girls.

 

Ever Been Bitten By A Vampire?

Vampires are ready to drain you

Ok, perhaps there is no such thing as vampires no matter how much you wish Edward from Twilight or Eric from True Blood were real but there is a vampire you may know quite well that is draining you every day of your emotions and your energy….That person is the emotional vampire.

Emotional vampires NEED you, they are experts at making you feel guilty if you aren’t there for them.  Their life is one big drama which can only be fixed by you.    You constantly hear of their daily battles with life, love, work, family etc. It’s a never-ending list.   Often the worse thing about an emotional vampire is you may be related to them…whether it be a parent or a sibling or sometimes even a child. They exhaust you!

Some are referred to as drama queens….they will call you at all hours of the night telling you how unhappy they are (and you were just in SUCH a good mood before they called)   You find yourself sighing when you look at the calling number and realise it’s them…again. You are tempted to not answer…but then you don’t want to hear  “I tried to call you 20 times earlier…where were you?”

Emotional vampires relish in the victim role.  Everything is about them and along with that so is control. The emotional vampire loves to control the conversation, situation and worst of all YOU!  They often start sentences with “You know what you should do?” and then proceed to tell you for the next 2 hours in 75 different ways exactly what you should do!

Lastly, the emotional vampire seeks to divide and conquer…they are often threatened by others in your life.  They know how to sow the seeds of doubt into your head about your own relationships and friendships.  Often they will be passive aggressive in their comments  saying things like “Your friend Jane seems very nice….it’s a shame no man seems interested in her….though she seems to have a lot of female friends…she’s not a lesbian is she?”    Now obviously Jane is your friend and you know she’s not a lesbian but you find yourself watching her interactions with other woman and that hug you always used to give her doesn’t happen as much anymore.

So how do you rid yourself of an emotional vampire…..sometimes it’s not easy, often they suffer from low self-esteem and are easily hurt and once hurt have a tendency to lash out….probably at you! The thing you need to remember is that this person is toxic and poisons every other relationship you may have.

First…determine how important that person is in your life…if it is possible to end this relationship – remove them off from your life…..yes, it’s a hard thing to do but for the sake of your own physical and mental health you need to do it and the sooner the better. If you can’t completely remove them from your life try to limit your interactions with them as much as possible.  Do not encourage them.

If they offer you advice tell them “Thanks for the advice but I really need to make this decision on my own”   Be Firm and very clear about your limits and boundaries. If they are constantly telling you their problems, tell them you are genuinely sorry for their situation but hearing about it over and over again is exhausting to listen to and that they need to make their own decisions on what actions to take.

Lastly, try to surround yourself with positive, upbeat people. That way you won’t be the one who constantly feels like it’s your job to be the “fun maker”.   Trying to be upbeat and positive ALL the time can be damn tiring so let others lead the way sometimes.

Eric from True Blood…probably NOT an emotional vampire but placed here for your viewing enjoyment

Saving Time and Dating Online

Relax..Finding Love Online is Possible

Modern society seems like such a rush, all the time. Unless you’re retired (and who retires anymore?) you’re probably dashing around all day, every day, following a schedule or at least marking off items on a to-do list that never seems to get any shorter. Our days are hectic, our nights are precious, and our weekends fully booked far in advance. And that’s if you’re married! For singles, we have to make time for dates, too. It can feel stressful, scary and like a real time-suck. But thanks to online dating, your romantic life could be as efficient as a well-oiled machine. And a lot more fun, unless that machine happens to be a Ferrari.

Frankly, I don’t know how many people would date at all if it weren’t for the internet… Some work 50 hours a week, play a sport, try to get to the gym and have children from a previous relationship.  Once you’ve managed all that you have very little time to find love… And dating, by definition, is hit or miss. It’s a numbers game where you have to take a lot of shots in the dark to get a hit.

With online dating, you maximize your time and your odds.  First off, your profile should be specific about your favourite dating activities, your relationship dealbreakers, your turn-ons and turn-offs, and your sense of humor.  That makes it  pretty clear who you are and what your looking for.  Most people who aren’t your type usually pass on you at the profile stage.  This is a GOOD thing and saves you time right there.  Just remember do NOT have any negatives and ensure your profile is always upbeat and positive.

When you are looking at profiles, use advanced search parameters to refine your search as specifically as possible.  Take the time to reference at least a couple of things in the person’s profile when you contact them…Ask them questions and engage them in a conversation—believe me, it’s worth it.

If you get to stage two and actually communicate,  it’s because you like each other’s profiles. As you’ve contacted them they definitely fit your requirements for age, race, geography, lifestyle choices and so on.  So, even before you’ve had a single conversation, you know there’s more romantic potential for you with that person than with eight out of ten people on the planet.  Think about that! And all you’ve invested is a membership fee, the time to prepare a good profile, and some engaging emails. That’s it.  On a weekly basis, you would spend more time drinking coffee or watching TV and this is much more important than that!

So, what’s next? An extended IM exchange, a phone call or a bunch of emails. Still, it rarely takes more than half an hour all told. Then you reach the point where you BOTH decide—sometimes right away, sometimes after a little more conversation—that a date is in order.

By the time you get to the first date  you’ve already got a proven chemistry and if everyone’s been honest,  there aren’t any major roadblocks to getting together on a more permanent basis

So, if you are time poor online dating is great way to find love and best of all you can do it in your jammies and have a bad hair day…and they will never know 🙂

NB:  I met my husband online 10 years ago.  We are still going strong and I would NEVER have met him any other way!  Think about that next time you think about finding love 🙂

Is Online Dating Still Cheating If You’re Married?

They have been married for 11 years and a year after their second one was born, Louise had accidentally left her laptop open on her online dating profile.  The website was for married people looking for quick, anonymous sexual meetings.  Michael accidentally bumped her mouse and suddenly his world came crashing down when he realised his loving, ‘faithful’ wife was in contact with men who only wanted a quick and intimate fling.

The thing is:  The sex had always been great between them until after the kids… especially the second one. Michael figured she was tired….after all she worked full time and there were the kids to deal with….he figured this was the reason there was so little time for the intimacy they once shared.  Things between them was still great… perfect if you may;  best friends who enjoyed each other’s company, who made all the decisions together, exchanged “I love you’s on the phone etc – everything was GREAT!….except for the lack of interest in sex on her part.

The two have always shared a great level of trust to the extent that Michael really felt betrayed.  He never in a million years would have suspected his wife to be THAT kind of woman. When he decided to confront her, she didn’t deny it. In fact she admitted that she had been doing it for the past four months but it was something harmless…just a bit of fun – it wasn’t like she would actually sleep with the men she had been having erotic conversations with.  She just wanted to feel sexy and wanted and the object of someone’s affection again.

Michael saw it as a betrayal…of both him and their family.  He still doesn’t know whether to believe her story or not.  She is a good mother, wife and his best friend, she’s promised not to do it again EVER!… but….the trust is lost and Michael is trying very hard to forget the images of his semi-naked wife online telling men her deepest sexual desires.  The thing that hurts Michael most is her lack of interest in sex with him and yet she explains in vivid details what she would do with a stranger… He worries there is something she is looking for in those other men that he can’t fulfill. That quite frankly he’s just not good enough to meet her needs and desires anymore.

Michael is now contemplating leaving her wife but he doesn’t want the kids to be raised in a broken home… and remarrying has been something he has never wanted to do because he thought she was IT!

Do you think this is a deal breaker?  Should he stick it out and try to re-build the trust or just divorce her? Is it all just a fantasy thing for Louise? Besides the broken trust, there is still the issue of their sex life.  Can they really work it out if he was to try?

Oh Yes I’m The Great Overthinker

Stop Thinking!

Women tend to be their own worse enemies when it comes to our self image and our love life.

Many of us feel like we are never thin enough, happy enough, tall enough, pretty enough…..we are never just enough!

During  my day-to-day activities as a Love Coach I come across many women who try to second guess why a man does this or what does he mean when he says that.   Things like “He promised to call me at 8pm and it’s now 9pm and no call!….do you think he’s cheating???!!!   Ok so the last one is a bit extreme but when women ask me these types of questions it always remind me of an old joke which is a great example of how we overthink!

WOMAN’S DIARY

28 July 2012 

 Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.  The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself – he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and,to my surprise we made love, but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep – I think he’s planning to leave me – maybe he’s found someone else. 

MAN’S DIARY:

Saturday 28 July

 Australia lost the cricket. Gutted. Got a root though.       

Even though this is a joke it’s also a really good example of how much some women overthink.  If he doesn’t call when he says he will remember he’s probably got a job or other commitments he can’t abandon and sometimes we can just lose track of the time.  It does not means he’s showing off his willy to someone new….at least not always.

Overthinking is really bad for your health….it increases your stress levels, can lead to lack of sleep, cause obesity (going for chocolate will not stop you thinking)  and generally make you feel bad about yourself.

So, how can you STOP overthinking?  That’s easy!  Stop doing it and do something else….go meditate, read a book and stop looking at the clock and wondering why he hasn’t called.   watch an action movie where things get blown up! (romantic movies will depress you more), call a friend and talk about your day,  go get a little retail therapy but for goodness sake do not hover over the abyss of self pity and insecurity!  It’s a very slippery slope which can often lead to relationship destruction!

So rather than trying to second guess his thoughts…ask him…if he’s still not communicative…check the cricket scores…you never know…Australia might have lost again 🙂

For Whom The Post Trolls

Once again the great troll debate airs it’s ugly head as an NRL footballer who recently lost his mother was sent derogatory comments about her.  This follows quickly behind the recent troll war which left celebrity Charlotte Dawson in hospital and cries from many quarters for “accountability” for the actions many faceless people take when they subject not only celebrities and sporting people but the average Joe to harassment and abuse.

The Troll Mentality

Firstly, let’s dissect exactly what a troll is……a troll is a person who either doesn’t like something you say, doesn’t like your achievements or simply wants to get noticed so says something totally stupid to get a reaction….generally they will have a faceless account on either twitter or facebook and use that account to post hurtful and hateful messages to people for no apparent reason other than “because they can”  Other titles include keyboard warriors, faceless people, gutless wonders.

So how do you STOP trolls?  Here’s a few tips which will help.

1. Do not feed the trolls…..the purpose of a troll is to get attention and illicit a response…when you don’t give one they stop…(yes it’s that simple)

2. Report and block the troll….don’t argue with them…don’t tell them…I’m going to block you!  Just do it.  Announcing you are going to do it only infuriates the troll more.

3. If you are on twitter and one of your followers leaps to your defense send them a DM telling them “I’ve got this” having multiple people arguing only creates a mob mentality.

4. Step away from the computer…have a nice cup of tea and watch a bit of telly.  It’s amazing how quickly things cool down when you aren’t there to keep them going.

Another thing people do with trolls is they name and shame….for example retweeting the comment for all their followers to see (eg.Charlotte Dawson)  in the hope it will shame the person into shutting up….this rarely works as it’s a bit like poking a beehive and hoping the bees will stay inside and just let the honey pour out. Plus it’s exactly the reaction the troll wants.

Charlotte for instance, went from being told to go hang herself to having photos of pills, dismembered bodies and nooses sent to her…all because she went on TV and exposed the trolls.  This went on for over 48 hours and it was RELENTLESS . The more TV appearances she made the more trolls who came out to play. It was a lose-lose situation.

So what accountability is there….are there are “real” laws to protect us from text on a computer screen?   When nameless people attack us by insulting our mother or our children or our lifestyle does that warrant legal action?   In my opinion No.  See, I believe as adults we have the choice of how we deal with trolls.  The bottom line is don’t feed them.  Don’t give them the oxygen they need to fuel the flames.

Consider the alternative….where someone else decides what is acceptable for you to say and see and type and read.  Where is the line in the sand drawn?  Who decides what’s acceptable and what’s not.   I’m thinking death threats would be a good line to draw.  But then again I’m thick skinned 🙂

When I started using the internet we didn’t even have web browsers….we used something called Fido Net and it was more message board based, the arguments back then were called flame wars…because people fanned the flames by giving their two cents worth.  I learnt long ago to not fan the flames.

Final piece of advise

Find Me The Right Guy

Searching for the right guy online can be frustrating

At least twice a day I have a woman who is new to love coaching who’s first sentence to me is “Find Me The Right Guy!!”

I would like you all to know it’s not possible…..why?  Because I am not YOU!

You see we all have our own special type of  “look” we prefer to others….for some it’s the GQ look, for other it’s more preppy and for others still its goatees and shaved heads that rock their boat and isn’t that wonderful!  See life would be pretty boring if we all liked one type of man.

When I ask what the “right” guy is I get a variety of answers but for most women it’s a guy who’s attentive to her…doesn’t screw around or drink too much…who’s got a J.O.B and SINGLE!  There is one way to find the right guy for you and that’s to get out there and find him.

Online there are a variety of sites which range from super huge membership like Match.com to many of the niche sites.   I recommend that the niche sites are the way to go and here’s a few reasons why.   Online dating is like being at a party but instead of a guy spotting you in a crowd of say 50 other women and coming over to talk to you….you are at a party with thousands if not hundreds of thousands.

Online Love

This is where niche sites work best as you are able to connect with other singles of similar interests….sites like ChristianCafe.com or InteracialDatingCentral.com cater to people looking for a specific belief or dating style.  There are also sites for BBW’s and people with Herpes (yes I said Herpes) HIV, Seniors, people with disabilities and Pet Lovers and the list goes on and on.   So by connecting to smaller sites, whilst there is a smaller membership base, the chances of finding people with whom you have things in common are greatly increased…in other words you have more chance of finding the “right guy”

Google is your friend…think about the types of things you would like to do or qualities you would like in a man and google that word and the word dating…you will be surprised at the number of sites around that cater for any interest or moral.

Lastly I don’t recommend the bigger sites…it’s very easy to get lost in the sea of faces and site like E-Harmony where you have to rely on them to knowing your type….based on a questionnaire.  Computer do not get human chemistry and just because you both like the colour red does not  a perfect match make.

So get yourself out there and find the right guy….sure he may be looking for you too but we all know men never stop to ask directions when they are lost 🙂